Mute Becomes Me

I found myself lost on campus today, somewhere between my past and my future; parking near lot A to give me plenty of room to breathe and walking a great distance to get to my first class. "How do I get to admissions" the student asked, as she passed me carrying several books and a mess of a schedule. I pointed in the direction of the building and then offered to help her with some of her things. The first few days of school can be intimidating and if you've never taken college classes before, even more overwhelming. I learned her life's story in a matter of ten minutes as we walked to the building together and found out she was a psychology major hoping to take some creative writing classes to explore her creative side. I suggested she'd take on of my classes and then offered email addresses to several literature and writing professors on campus who offer other classes as well. She took down my information before proceeding into the administration building as I handed off her things and wished her well. The day would have been so much better if it ended there.

I went on my way, up the pathways to the back buildings where my lecture class awaited my arrival for a class full of insight and thought. I made it a habit to warn my students the first day of class, of what they could expect every day and how to handle it. At 8:05 in the morning, I had sent the entire roster an email stating that today's lecture will be about bullying and briefly explained how such an act of hatred can lead to horrible outcomes. I asked each student to bring something of theirs that reminded them of a time they were bullied because in class we were going to discuss it and do something with them afterwards. In case you are no familiar with my teaching style, I can be somewhat unorthodox and unconventional, at times causing controversy and stirring opinions both on campus and off. I had this master plan with an intent to inspire others but as you will soon find out, that backfired.

Take a class of 300, divide it by 15 protestors, 4 angry parents of spoiled brats and 1 very mean girl who's first day of college was today. I won't ramble on like I have in the past because I am honestly not in the mood today. Maybe I will come back to this blog and add more later but here are the facts of the day in one quick blurb....

I found out that the girl I helped with her books, either planned or in pure irony, is the daughter of a woman I went to high school with. If you want to know how far high school drama goes, try letting it follow you for over 20 years! Turns out I somehow humiliated her mom in high school by not stopping a rumor about her which turned out to be 100% false. I didn't start the rumor, nor was I the one who spread it, I was just asked if it was true and I never said "NO." Talk about holding grudges! This woman has been plotting against me since we were 18 and now her daughter managed to come into my school, went to admissions and claimed I sexually harassed her. So within that brief walk from my car to my class, I am now under investigation and suspended from teaching until further notice. The 15 protesters are apparently other students who claim the same false accusations of me and ironically all of them are past students who failed my class or I have had some sort of relationship with. Seems to be my own stupidity that led me here but either way, I feel defeated. Got into my class and felt like I was on trial, with glares and looks of disappointment. Talk about a class about bullying and its effects, how's that for trivial? I was allowed to teach my class with the Dean observing the lecture but I chose not to...I had nothing more to say.

Spring Break Nothings

Spring Break for Orange County was last week and I was considerably nice with homework and decided not to assign any to my students. Contrary to popular belief I can be a nice person especially when the terms "Spring Break" comes into play. I remember what it was like when I was a teenager and young adult in college, awaiting that time on or around Easter where you could breathe a little from the stresses of school. I try to respect my students as I wanted when I was younger and cut them a break or two when vacations are involved. The only thing I do differently is I ask them to discuss their week off with their classmates and to structure themselves in a literary fashion. In other words; have fun but be prepared to participate in class discussion and write an essay based on that discussion.  It's funny what you hear coming out of college students' mouths after such a break and even more entertaining to find yourself agreeing with them.

One student started the discussion off with "I went to the beach over Spring Break,  rode some waves, got buried in sand and spent some quality time with my family." Another student shared, "I flew back home to visit my parents and celebrate an early Easter since I will have school and work when the actual holiday comes around." The third student discussed his laziness and legitimate vacation where he watched television, played video games, and goofed off online all while keeping up with his beauty rest. My fourth student had an unpleasant tone but shared how she had to work through her entire Spring Break, just as she had to do it for every other school break she was given. She sat there and whined for a good ten minutes about how upsetting it is to finally be able to step away from life's headaches only to realize you really can't. I asked her why that was, to which she replied, "I need the money. I'm broke and I need to live." Did I mention this girl never shows up to my classes and is now in jeopardy of failing? How can you be broke if you work so much that you are missing valuable lessons but still be working too little to not be able to live? I understand our economy sucks and it's harder than ever now to get by but you need to consider some very important factors when you're an adult.

To compare these stories to one another is simple. Very different personalities, mixed with very different social lifes and beliefs. I am never one to judge but quite honestly, I can say that every story told was one I had told in my past before. Yes, I took over the beaches with my family, swam as far as I could go, messed around on a boogey board, built sand castles and enjoyed somegod old fashioned bonding. No, I haven't had to fly back to my hometown since my home and college were all in FL, but I did end up flying to Puerto Rico once to stay with my grandmother one year during Spring Break. There's nothing like time spent with you family, if I may add. The laziness thing, I've wanted to experience but never actually have. It must be nice to get up in the morning and realize you don't actually have to be up, silence your alarm and go back to bed. To be able to sleep in late because you have nowhere to be must be an incredibly happy feeling. I won't lie, I love sleep and if I could get more of it, I would! Now the work thing, I can completely understand because since I was in high school I have been working, one to five jobs at a time. Am I sharing that information to say I'm better than anyone? Absolutely not. I am merely stating that fact to sympathize with the headaches and stress that come along with working 24/7. Yes, it pays the bills but sometimes you need to stop and just relax. Younger people in general tend to overwork themselves to a point of exhaustion just for extra money or just enough money to do that living thing. Perhaps it's not the living thing that constains us, maybe it's just the desire to live comfortably. Nobody wants to have discounted items at home or thrift store merchandise in their wardrobe. We all seek to fulfull our material desires the best way we know how...with money. Even something as simple as dinner can turn a simple pasta dish at home into an adventure to Red Lobster where instead of saving money we are reversing the idea completely and spending $50 or more on a plate of food you could have easily gotten your next pay period when money wasn't so tight, for the fraction of the cost. We work to spoil ourselves and we take vacations because we are tired of spoiling ourselves. Isn't life ironic in that sense?

I enjoyed the shared happening of my students but I could have done with less pessimism and more optimistic approaches to days off. I know when you are on campus, you are far from home and you struggle with a part time job and homework, trying to please your parents and do your best. All in all maintaining stable relationships, a social life and network of friends. With the extension of facebook and of course twitter, we push ourselves to the limit, sometimes staying up until the late hours of the night just to get something done. I guess I should go back to grading papers now. Take some time out of work to relax some and don't listen to me, I'm a bad example.

Understanding the word "Mature"

Today is what I call "a day of thought," as if my other days are thought-free or in some distinct way different from today itself. I like to ramble what can I say? If you follow my blogs, I suggest you read them slowly and at your own pace, probably while sipping on your fresh roast coffee or your fancy mocha latte with little foam. Or maybe you're at home, bored and trying to find something constructive to do or at work, sitting task less and wanting something to read. Whatever the situation, I want you to take what I say as an opinion never as a fact unless I state otherwise. 

When I became a teacher I never expected to be called a "hero." The other day, I somehow hit a low point where my self-esteem dropped and my motivation flew somewhere out the window. I was consoled by my husband who wrapped around his arms around me and reminded me of who I was. He said, "You're a hero everyday to those kids. You are the one who listens, objects and defines them as individuals and teach them how important it is to be themselves and think positively. They are never a number to you, they are thinkers and dreamers, just waiting for you to show them how to open their minds and grow." I must say that those words never hit as hard as they did that day and for that I thank my wonderful husband for all of his support and love in both my personal life and professional career. 

Having shared that, I thought a lot today about a letter sent to me on campus. The letter reads as follows:

"Dear Ms. I-don't-give-a-shit-who-I-offend,

Over the last few years I've come into contact with many students of yours, praising that your teaching style is unlike any other professor at the school. Being somewhat curious and intrigued by all the hype found myself registering for one of your, always filled to capacity, lecture classes. I remember the first day, being put into an uncomfortable situation, having to decide whether to sit with a group of students of my race or with a group of students of my sex. I completed your "test" as asked and learned nothing but decided to not drop out for the seemingly popularity of your teaching techniques. Before long I had fallen into the clutches of your obscene, immature, and disrespectful classroom etiquette. After failing your class with a very unexpected and unappreciated "D" I promised myself I would never recommend you as a teacher or allow anyone I cared about to enter the derogatory classroom of such a close minded and rude member of the faculty. Needless to say, I learned nothing and I could have gotten my normal "A" from a professor who knew how to teach properly and not expect to brainwash her students into believing the things she does. I'm not writing this to make a point, I am merely writing it to vent. Isn't that what you always asked us to do? You say you are just like we are but you're not. You are simply a sad excuse of a human being who thinks that the world revolves around you and only your opinions matter. I'm graduating this term and will take with me, the fond memory of a course that rings garbage in my mind as I show you what maturity is all about.

Sincerely, a disappointed student"

Now, I sit here writing my letter in return, knowing that the sender was anonymous, to assure myself I said what I needed to. I guess my understanding of certain things are questioned but I'll promise you this, I will always love what I do, no matter who tries to bring me down. Enjoy my response....

"Dear Mr/Mrs. Obscurity,

In response to your hypocritical bashing of my teaching techniques, I want to thank you for your honesty. If there is one thing I always tell my students, it is that honesty is something that is vital in any relationship, whether it be through friends, lovers, or students and teachers. It is one of those things that has yet to catch on or even generate a better understanding so communication can follow. Your bold words and choice of comparisons are one to question in my praised teaching efforts. I'm very glad you gave into peer pressure and took my class expected something different and fun rather than with the expectation to actually learn something. I don't ask students to enroll for the sake of enjoyment, I don't ask them to enroll even, I am merely here to do what I love to do and that is to teach. Whether it is an English class, a Humanities class, a Writing class, a Lecture session, or a Q&A, I always tell my students the same thing. "If you don't like my class or me, please come talk to me so we figure something out." Needless to say, your fair attempt to stay in my class effected you negatively and I wish you had spoken to me during the time you were in my roster, of your discontent and unapproved thoughts of the lessons I put forward. If only your assertiveness was brought to my attention at that time instead of however long for me to receive this letter. In regards to your "test" opinion, I never refer to my lesson plans as tests, that term came from students talking and for some reason deciding that I, myself was testing the patience of everyone and pushing the barriers to basic education. What I portray in my lessons are not meant to test anything, except maybe logical thinking, an open mind, and basic humanity. I doubt you wrote this letter not having one mixed emotion locked away behind the anger you held in for so long about your experience in that class. Did it offend you so badly that you had to step forward and make your voice clear or did it bother you to realize you were hateful in your thoughts upon entering that room and knowing you were one of the people whose racist, prejudiced and sexist mind, made you the stereotypical asshole. It's safe to say, you learned something. Whether or not you come to terms with your personal issues, doesn't phase me but I hope you figured out who you were and how to make yourself a better person. Hell, you had a lot of courage writing this didn't you? Would you have done that before my class? Perhaps, you are the one who will belittle others for your own happiness and walk on the "little people" who got in your way. I don't give out grades in my classroom, I give out feedback, you take your grade. My guess is that without an A, you probably deserved a D, so don't blame me for not teaching you to your standards, hold your finger pointing to the one responsible for whatever failed attempts you tried so hard to accomplish. You're not writing this to make a point, yet your venting seems a bit unpracticed.You sit and judge me as if no one is judging you. Prepare yourself for a lifetime of sad human beings like myself who try very hard to make a difference in your life and make it easy for you to be somebody. My opinions only matter to those who want to hear them. Congratulations on your graduation and I'm very sad you learned nothing from me. Thank you, also for letting me know that what I taught was garbage and that I'm the most rude, ignorant and immature professor to ever complete a career at your university. I have to admit however, it takes a great level of maturity to write such a degrading letter to a member of the saddened faculty and not have enough pride to announce your identity. 

My kindest wishes,

Your Teacher"

Can a Kindle really replace books?

I'm not sure what the creative minds behind the new Kindle were thinking when they released another Internet enabled device that continues to push us to computer dependency. Isn't enough that our students are engulfed by video game consoles, cell phone apps and social networking sites? Why must we take away the whole purpose of a simple, yet poignant piece of our lives just to make it more "accessible" to people in the current time. I don't find it accessible at all, more like an excuse for laziness and an encouragement for lack of motivation. People no longer have to pick up a book or rely on sources like libraries to find literature when they can sit at home and download content that can be viewed without having to hold a 400+ page novel or break a nail to flip pages. I don't discourage modernization and growing with our technological advances but when you take away something so dear to me and offer a new and improved replacement, I'm going to have a lot to say. I grew up with books; the old, dust covered, hard bound books that had lettering printed from a type-writer and illustrated with a black and white press. My mother would sit with me for hours reading stories from these big and bulky books just so I can use my imagination and picture it all in my head. Literature quickly became one of my biggest passions and by the time I had graduated middle school, I had memorized all of Edgar Allan Poe's  and Emily Dickinson's works and persuaded others to follow in my love for the authors of our world. Soon I found myself taken over by Shakespeare, Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, John Steinbeck, Harper Lee and Ken Kesey. I was taken in by these great authors and was influenced by their stories in many different ways, most of which motivated me to become the English teacher I am today. In any case, the opposing side would argue that this computer-like device offers the same material and does not diminish any of its original content. Isn't that diminishing something though? Taking away the joy of opening the cover for the first time, being able to read the first words of that author in print while holding the book in your own hands? Shouldn't you feel that rush of turning the page and seeing what happens next, realizing that every emotion, every thought, all the blood and sweat unfolding in some strange irony, all the way from the author himself down to the very last set of hands at the publishing company; has in someway become apart of you? Maybe I'm being over dramatic, or perhaps I'm just so one-sided I cannot see the good in holding up a digital pad and being able to read an author's whole life's work with just a click of a scroll. The Kindle will never take the place of books in my classroom and as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't exist.